Defining The Work of Your Life
Defining The Work of Your Life
One day while having lunch with a friend (who is also a therapist), she off-handedly remarked about how “it’s my life’s work to not let my dad’s opinion control how I feel about myself.” This phrase really stood out to me and I haven’t been able to shake it since.
The “work of your life” is a part of your personality that needs regular vigilance and one that has been present in a variety of contexts and stages of life. Think of it like a growth theme that runs throughout the course of your existence.
That conversation at lunch has been impactful for me. I thought it might be for you as well. Let’s unpack this concept together.
Ask yourself:
Do you know what the therapeutic work of your life is?
Despite what age or stage you are in your life, what’s the issue that always seems to rear its head?
What’s the area of your character that if you don’t keep an eye on it, will overtake you and limit your degree of growth or health?
What does “the therapeutic work of my life” mean?
And more even importantly, “what is the therapeutic work of *my* life?”
How does identifying this area impact my life?
First of all, to be able to identify what the therapeutic work of your life is, you’ve had to actually live some life. You’ve had to experience enough life to pick out the themes that have been problematic for you. Our strengths can change depending on setting and age. It’s our weaknesses that tend to remain consistent despite location or context.
Over the course of your life, you’ve probably noticed certain situations that always lead you to “flip out” or “lose your way.” It’s these types of themes that you notice over time that help identify the work of your life.
Pro Tip: “The work of your life” has to be an issue that is so honest and raw that to admit it probably makes you cringe a little. “It’s the work of my life to be the best me I can be.” No. Nothing trite can be the work of your life. If it doesn’t make you squirm, you’re not being honest with yourself.
Typically “the work of your life” is associated with a wound that, if left unchecked, will motivate your behavior in a negative way.
There’s no way to dress it up. I hate talking about it. I can’t make it sound appealing or even a little funny. It’s just the ugly truth of an area that has haunted me for decades and if I don’t keep it in check, it will hurt people I care about and negatively affect relationships.
I’ll share it with you if you promise to come up with your own. :) Don’t stop wrestling with how to phrase yours until you want to vomit by how honest and raw it makes you feel!
Actually, I think I have two.
I have the one I’ve known for years:
The work of my life is to not let my mouth ruin my life.
And the one I’m just coming to grips with, after deeper work:
The work of my life is to not cater to the most powerful person in the room, but instead stay loyal to my own beliefs or to those people with whom I am closest.
Surely these are related to my childhood wounds. This is manifested in the presentation of my defense mechanisms that I call my personality (or enneagram type...I’m an 8). Regardless, it is an issue that in a variety of contexts, over my whole life, has been a temptation for me.
Honestly, I would sacrifice just about anyone to become ingratiated to the person I feel is most powerful. This means I would do just about anything, good or bad, to gain acceptance from the person I’ve identified as the most powerful. When I am the most powerful person in the room, I don’t have to worry about this willingness to throw anyone under the bus. That’s one reason I work for myself!
In processing this idea with others, some examples that I’ve heard have been:
To live in my worthiness without having to prove myself.
To maintain my sense of self, despite opposition.
To feel ok even without my parents approval.
To not let my early childhood experiences negatively color my current life perspective.
So…what’s yours?
You may be asking yourself, “isn’t it a bad sign if I can identify a theme in my life that has plagued me through the years but it never really gets better or fixed?” Well...no. It’s not a bad sign. It’s just the honest truth. I would love it if we identified weak areas of our psyche, shored them up, and moved onward and upward. Wouldn’t that be awesome?! Unfortunately, that’s just not how life works. The same ways I hurt people in high school are the same ways I can hurt people now. And the flawed ways I saw my younger self still creep in my thinking even today.
The best you can do is clarify what the work of your life is and do your best work around it, all while learning to love yourself anyway.
Several years ago, I heard one of my favorite authors, Dr. Larry Crabb, speak at a conference. He told a story about how he ran into one of his old clients out in public and she initiated catching up. She said, “Guess what?? I’m still as crazy as I ever was when I was seeing you for therapy. But you helped me like myself anyway.” That makes me smile so much. That’s about as good as we can hope for on this side of eternity. Understand our weak areas, do some work, and love ourselves anyway.
If this idea strikes a chord with you, or you want help identifying what this work is for you, contact me and we can set up a time for you to come in!